Get a Job!
by Night Monkey
Summary: The Millennium Earl, sick of lazy Jasdevi getting a free ride, forces the twins to get a job. Jasdevi is stuck in a fast-food joint, flipping burgers. What happens when an unsuspecting exorcist comes seeking food?


This is just a little one-shot I wrote in an hour when I couldn't sleep.

Summary: The Millennium Earl, sick of Jasdevi having a free ride, sends them out to get a job. The twins are forced to work for minimum wage in a fast food joint. What happens when an unsuspecting exorcist comes seeking food?

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"You want us to _what_?" Devitto demanded.

"Hi! Why would you be so cruel?" Jasdero cried.

Tyki sighed and crossed his arms. "It isn't like we're asking you to go to school, or wear decent pants, or even buy a pair of underwear. We're asking, no, we're telling you to get a job! I'm sick of looking at you, the Earl wants you to be able to do _something_ with yourselves, and you're always disturbing Road's studying. We need some peace and quiet, and the only way to get it is to get rid of you for a few hours."

The twins fell to their knees and crawled towards the Earl. They grabbed the bottom of his coat, pawing at it and sobbing. Since he was quite used to tears, the clown-like Earl was unmoved.

"I want all my children to make something of themselves. Road goes to school, Tyki works in the mines, though why he enjoys the company of humans I'll never know, and Lulubell keeps my lap warm. You two eat, sleep, and fail every mission I give to you." The Earl said.

Jasdevi flashed the most pitiful puppy-dog eyes they could. The Earl turned an alarming shade of green and pushed them away. He was not going to be swayed by cuteness, tears, or puling.

Since the Earl wasn't going to give into compassion, Devitto tried another approach. Switching emotions with the speed only an immature teenage boy could, he became insolent and angry.

"What kind of job are we supposed to get, anyway? It ain't like we're good at anything! You said it yourself. We always fail."

"I don't care if you last ten minutes at the job. You're getting out of the Ark and earning your keep. Now go read the help wanted ads in the newspaper before I just drop you off on a street corner and leave you." The Earl said.

"The street corner? That's a good idea! We could be prostitutes. There's no way any woman would pass up the chance to get in these pants." Devitto said.

Tyki said. "You two haven't had sex once. I don't know what planet you live on, but no woman would ever pay money to sleep with inexperienced boys."

"We're sexy." Jasdero countered.

The Noah of Pleasure snorted. "'Dero, you wear makeup and your brother's shirt says 'die' on it. Nobody finds you vaguely attractive. Oh, and don't bother shooting each other and becoming Jasdevi. He wears a dress."

"It's not a dress! We'll kill you, Mikk!"

"Yeah, kill, hi!"

The Earl broke up the fight by shoving the classifieds into the twins' hands. He had taken the liberty of circling any job they might be capable of with a bright, red marker. The pickings were slim.

Devitto skimmed the ads, skipping words he didn't know. "Uh, hotel bellboy? I ain't carrying someone's bags. Lazy bastards can do it themselves."

"Baby-sitter? Hi, a boy looked at Jasdero once and went blind."

Tyki peered over at the papers. "There's one for you. Fast food. Even you two can't screw up burger flipping."

Ignoring the shrieks, cries, and tears of protest, the Earl herded the twins off. With the help of one of Road's magical dimensional doorways, the two Noah were tossed from the Ark and magically appeared on a sidewalk just a block from the local fast food stop. Growling, sniffling, swearing to shove a shovel up Tyki's nose and into his brain, the two grudgingly walked to the busy restaurant.

Paying no heed to the long queue of customers that stretched through the lobby of the fast food joint, Jasdero and Devitto pushed their way to the counter. When a man started to protest, the twins pointed their pistols at him. He promptly shut up and ran from the store. All of the other customers followed suit, assuming the two strangely dressed punks were going to rob the place.

The manager stared at the guns he suddenly found pointed at him. Jasdero had taken careful aim at the manager's head, while Devitto's weapon was trained at the unfortunate man's crotch. One false move, and the guy was going to end up with a chicken nugget in his pants and an overlarge French fry jutting from his neck.

"You can take the money, just don't shoot me." The man said.

"We don't need money. We need jobs. Hire us so the Earl will get off our backs." Devitto said.

Desperate to avoid getting shot, the manager nodded. "Sure, uh, come on back and I'll get you some uniforms."

"Uniforms? Hi, why do we need those?" Jasdero asked.

"Because everyone wears them. And unless you want grease splattering your legs, arms, and chest, you'll wear them, too." The boss explained.

Five minutes later, Jasdero and Devitto were decked out in their new duds. They had both been consigned to work in the grill, since they would scare away any customer who got a good look at them. Also, there was no way in hell the manager was going to trust them with money.

A pimply teenage boy explained the grill to them. He showed them where to fry their chicken and fish products, how to use the ketchup and mustard dispensers, and how to cut lettuce. He then advised them against ever touching the burger grill, because it was heated to 700 degrees and would flash-fry their flesh.

"Okay, do you want to try making a sandwich?" The kid asked.

"Do you want to practice eating without your head?" Devitto countered. The teenager offered no other tips.

It took a while for customers to return to the restaurant. The first one in took ten minutes staring at the menu, as though he had never seen a cheeseburger before in all his life. After sorting through the bills in his coat pocket, he nervously approached the counter.

Devitto stopped throwing pickles at the ceiling and stared out at the counter. Jasdero, who was mashing the patty meat into shapes, giggled. Devitto elbowed his brother until the blond looked away from his meat sculpting.

"Hey, 'Dero, look. It's that vampire exorcist. Let's spit in his food and fart on it and stuff."

Jasdero peered into the lobby. "I see him, hi. Yeah, let's do it."

The smiling cashier greeted Krory, and he responded with a weak little grin that exposed far too much canine tooth. She was slightly taken aback, but asked, "May I help you, sir?"

"I, uh, hope so. Allen said he needed, uh, twenty double cheeseburgers with extra pickles and lettuce, a large fry, and a milkshake. Lavi wanted, uh, the grilled chicken sandwich. And Kanda wanted- Do you sell soba here?"

"No." The girl replied.

"Ok. Nothing for Kanda then. I hope he doesn't try to cut me for not buying him anything." Krory said.

Devitto and Jasdero began to make the order. They toasted the buns for the burgers, and then stuffed the buns down their pants. They threw the patties on the floor, stuck the pickles up their noses, and sneezed on the whole concoction. With Lavi's chicken sandwich, Devitto licked the chicken patty, rubbed the Swiss cheese over his body, and used his armpit stink as seasoning.

The normal grill workers stared in abject horror. One girl vomited in a handy, nearby garbage can. Another boy removed his hat and apron and quit on the spot. He would never be able to lift a spatula again without having violent flashbacks.

Sick of molesting and defiling the food in mundane human ways, Jasdero and Devitto took out their guns and began to shoot it. They shot a bun and it turned into a cockroach. Jasdero slapped the bug onto a foul patty and wrapped the whole mess up. He then sent it to the front to be bagged. A piece of lettuce transformed into an old shoe. Devitto slathered it in mayonnaise and stuck it in a bun.

The girl responsible for bagging the food gaped at the twins. When the burger sent to her fell apart and a cockroach crawled out, she emitted a terrible scream. Krory's exorcist training allowed him to leap into action. He vaulted over the counter and prepared to attack.

The Noah and the exorcist stared at each other for a minute. Then, as was their base nature, they began to fight. The twins shot wildly at Krory, trying to hit him with any type of ammo they could think of.

"Red bomb!" The Noah cried in unison. A great fireball missed Krory and blew apart the drive-thru wall. Flaming debris rained down on the mercifully empty parking lot. Krory leapt at Jasdero, who was the stupider and less nimble of the pair.

Shrieking as the girl at done, Jasdero batted wildly at the vampire. Krory prepared to bite the howling Noah, only to have Devitto whack him across the face with a fry basket. The exorcist flew back, his head now covered in grease.

"Don't you bite my brother, you freak!" Devitto yelled.

"Yeah, what's wrong with you, hi?" Jasdero cried, his hands up in front of his neck to protect his jugular from further attack.

Krory grinned. These two Noah would taste much better than any kind of food the restaurant could offer. It was a shame none of his friends shared his sentiments.

The agile count leapt at the twins again. Jasdero and Devitto aimed another hasty fiery bomb at him. Krory easily dodged the attack. The entire front of the restaurant didn't fare so well. The whole front lobby was obliterated, chairs, tables, and trash bins reduced to cinders.

Using his speed and the strength brought on by the Akuma blood he had consumed earlier in the day, Krory flanked the twins and threw a condiments-laden cart at them. Devitto dived out of the way, but Jasdero was hit in the gut and showered with mustard and tartar sauce.

Just as Krory pounced on the saucy Jasdero, the manager stepped into the fray. "STOP! Do you have any idea how much damage you've done to my restaurant? The corporation is going to castrate me. All of you, get out!"

Realizing that he had cost an innocent man his business, and that he had failed to feed his friends, Krory retreated, rejected. Realizing that they were officially fired, Jasdero and Devitto cheered. They threw off their aprons, hats, and shirts. Then they ran out through the burning hole that used to be the drive-thru.

"Hey, 'Dero, working was a lot more fun than I thought." Devitto said as he dashed down the sidewalk.

"It was fun to rub pickles on my feet." Jasdero agreed.

"Maybe working isn't so bad." Devitto said.

"Maybe, but I wouldn't want to do it for a living, hi,"

"Do you think the Earl will ever try to make us get another job?" Devitto asked.

Jasdero looked back at the flaming wreckage. "Nope."

THE END!

I'll get around to making an actual multi-chapter story sometime soon.


End file.
